– Have you ever watched someone being kicked off the plane or sent back to their seat?
– Everybody go back to your seat.
– Okay, you especially. You have three seconds to get back to your seat.
– You can’t get anywhere in three seconds.
– Well, you’d better try.
– You’re setting me up for a loss already.
– Thank you.
– Whatever you say, Stove?
– It’s Steve.
– Stove, what a kinda name is that?
– Well, that’s not a name, my name is Steve.
– Are you an appliance?
– Yeah, that was an example of low emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand and manage your own emotions. We have a tendency to place more value on someone’s IQ and make excuses for their low EQ. Stay tuned and I’ll explain why.
I wanna give a special mention to Dr. Tam. Thank you for subscribing to our channel, and thank you for all your continued support. Dr. Tam helps millennial men who feel stuck in their careers find clarity. If you want to be featured next time, subscribe, leave a thoughtful comment below with a #imforyou, Intentional Marriages For You.
Okay, so one thing to be clear about before we get started. Emotional intelligence is not about suppressing your emotions. Hey, when I went to counseling, I thought I was very high up on the EQ ladder. But you don’t know what you don’t know, right? One of the biggest lessons I learned in counseling was it wasn’t Russ, my husband, who was making me angry, sad, or frustrated. Granted, he could trigger those feelings, but it was already the wiring inside of me is what produced those really strong emotions.
– I gotta get some
– closure on that, you know?
– What kind of feelings?
– I’m very angry, I’m feeling very angry about that. I’m really, I’m enraged. I’m feeling very, very mad about that.
– Okay, so we’re not gonna have a counselor coach us on everything that we need to say. But let me demonstrate in an example of how this wiring is within us, and it’s not what our spouse is doing to us. Let’s say Russ and I have gone to a movie. There’s a surprise scene. Russ doesn’t flinch, and I practically jump out of my seat. What accounts for the difference? Something that is fun for me, embarrasses Russ. What accounts for the difference? Same thing happens in marriage. You load the dishwasher, your spouse comes along and has a complete meltdown because it was done wrong. Another spouse feels completely loved. Again, what accounts for the difference?
Question for you. Are you open to the possibility that your frustrations are more about what’s inside of you, than what your spouse has done? Comment below. Your upbringing will play a role in your emotional intelligence. Being self-aware can help you prevent from making similar mistakes. If you’re still not convinced that emotional intelligence is something to pay attention to, then why do we have over 50% of marriages ending in divorce? Being determined that your marriage will work is not the key to a happy, healthy marriage. There are a lot of determined couples out there. Being emotionally intelligent is about understanding your strengths and weaknesses, but also how you come across to others. There is a fantastic question you can ask your spouse, your close friends and family, to help raise your emotional intelligence. This is such a great question by Jeff Henderson. “What is it like to be on the other side of me?” When asking this question, both parties need to be emotionally safe for each other, listen and ask curious questions. But here’s what you’ll experience. You’ll feel encouraged. You’ll learn something. And your feelings will get hurt. Because if this person is being honest, they are sharing their experience of what it’s like to be on the other side of you. And if you’re skeptical or nervous and like, “I’m not gonna do this exercise.” I wanna challenge you and ask you, why? What are you afraid of learning? What are you afraid of hearing? What truth do you know is out there, but yet you don’t wanna face it? I really challenge you to ask this question of your spouse. But again, it has to be under this umbrella of it being emotionally safe for each other, and being kind, and really, really listening. In fact, take notes, you may learn something.
Emotional intelligence will always be difficult for you, if you’re not aware of your blind spots. If you are brave enough to do this exercise, I’d love to hear from you. How did it go? What did you learn? What do you plan on improving? Ladies, do you have a marriage mentor in your world? Are you curious on how that works? If so, book a free call and we can hop on the phone and discuss. I’d love for you to be a part of this community of women. All who are seeking to be very intentional in their marriage, and have forged new friendships. If you plan on sharing this video with other married couples, give us a like first, subscribe. And hit the bell to be notified when we post a new video every Wednesday. Remember to have an extraordinary marriage, be intentional. I’ll see you in the next video.